Thursday, July 8, 2010

The Alphabet of Cronies: K-L

K is for Koopa Kids

This is another more specific crony entry, but one that I'm certainly not about to back down about.

Somehow, Bowser managed to spawn 7 children as of Super Mario Bros. 3. I'm not quite sure how he did it...maybe he managed to bone Princess Toadstool one of the times he kidnapped her and she had her offspring in secret (God help her poor, tattered vagina, assuming Bowser's spiky, scaly skin is a constant...). Maybe the fucker's a giant fire-breathing hermaphrodite...or perhaps he even has a wife that he keeps locked in some fuckin' basement somewhere, sliding morsels of Blooper calamari with a side of fried Goombas under the door and only visiting solely for procreation. Either way, he wound up with 7 children.

More like being AWESOME!

Larry Koopa, Iggy Koopa, Wendy O. Koopa, Roy Koopa, Morton Koopa Jr., Lemmy Koopa, and Ludwig von Koopa are all of their names, and he gave each of them their own fucking airship AND a magic wand that disfigures old royalty into freaky monsters. How cool is that?? That's more than my damn parents've ever done for me! In Mario 3, each of these bastards has to be fought at the end of each world, excluding world 8, and they all have their own tactics. Wendy fires bouncing rings around the room, for example, while Roy and Ludwig both stun you when they land on the ground. And this is all after getting through their respective airship levels, which are some of the most epic creations of Mario Bros. history.

In Super Mario World, he gave each of them their own damn castle! Lucky bastards...they've made a few other appearances since then, such as in the recent New Super Mario Bros. Wii, and Mario and Luigi: Superstar Saga, but otherwise have been largely shunted to the side to accommodate a little prick called Bowser Jr. I dunno where this 8th idiot child came from, but the Koopa Kids are far, far cooler than Bowser Jr. as far as I'm concerned.

Oh, and apparently they're all named after famous people, such as Ludwig van Beethoven and Iggy Pop. Not to mention, if the one Koopa Kid's name is Morton Koopa Jr., then Bowser's full name may be Bowser Morton Koopa Sr. Pretty neat, huh?

L is for Lizards

Let's face it. Lizards make awesome enemies...a fact that can be argued alone by the existence of dragons in many, many video games. There's something about tackling a gigantic, flying, fire-breathing reptile that just screams "Awesome"...but there's a multitude of other lizard-like foes that certainly deserve mentions.

Lizalfos are a good one to start at...the reptilian knights from the Legend of Zelda series starting at Zelda 2: The Adventure of Link. These things walked on both legs and were able to wield weapons and armor, generally proving to be quite capable foes. Dodongos are another good little enemy to mention, which "dislike smoke" (that means you need to cram a bomb down their throats).

Lizard codpieces go for about 67 bucks on Ebay these days!

Dinosaurs are another obvious entry, such as in Joe and Mac. Sure, cavemen and dinosaurs didn't exist at the same time, but who gives a fuck when you're clubbing them to death and riding them through levels as if they were cattle? Not to mention the giant dinosaur bosses at the end of each level, which were certainly epic at the time.

Wyverns and dragons in the Final Fantasy and Dragon Warrior series, as well as the terribly irritating Brachosaur in FF3/6...Kraid and Ridley, Mother Brain's henchmen from the Metroid series...Mermen and Orphic Vipers from Castlevania games...and the Mecha-Drago from Mother 3...there are tons of lizard enemies out there. They make good foes because they're scaly and awesome. 'Nuff said!


  1. Morton is totally a Scandinavian name. Go fig those racist Japanese would make the race with the roundest eyes evil. Next we'll see Bowser eating smoked fish and open-faced sandwiches...

  2. [/social commentary]