Thursday, June 10, 2010

The Alphabet of Cronies: A-B

I'm gonna try something a bit different, and I'm gonna list of and write small blurbs about some of my most memorable types of cronies, underlings, and general enemies in my classic video gaming experiences. It's not necessarily a top 26 type of enemy list, but rather just enemies that come to mind...and I'm gonna have an example for each letter of the alphabet.

It won't necessarily be consistent...one day I might hammer off 4 letters, while another day I might just write up 1...just a heads up. Hope you enjoy!

A is for Aquatic flora and fauna

When it comes to classic games, swimming levels occur very frequently during which you are often unable to attack (or at least not in your usual fashion). For example, Super Mario Bros. will plunge you into an underwater level every so often and pit you against numerous foes. Cheep cheeps and Bloopers are a prime example, and later on in the series even more deadly critters are added like Lava Lotuses and Jelectros. The problem with this is that you cannot jump and land on enemies in the water and therefore are unable to kill them unless you locate a fire flower or some other such item. Real fuckin' pain in the ass, that...you learn to cope, I suppose.

However, when it comes to underwater flora...the hat must certainly be tipped toward the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles game for the NES. The second level in the game starts off like the rest, but quickly becomes a race against time underwater to diffuse 7 bombs before they bust open a dam and flood the city. You have a time limit to do this, but that shouldn't be a problem because your characters are Turtles and obviously swimming is a pretty normal thing in that case.

Oh but wait. EVERYTHING IS OUT TO KILL YOU IN THIS GAME...and that unfortunately includes a gauntlet of electric plants that line the walls of the area and will zap the shit out of your ass if you touch them. Take these things into account:

1) You're in a fucking hurry, so taking your time to get by the plants is not really that much of an option

2) These plants line the NARROWEST OF POSSIBLE PASSAGEWAYS and getting through such locations is terribly, terribly difficult and will probably make you cry.

3) Why the fuck are there electric plants underwater anyway? Do those things actually exist? WHAT ABOUT EELS FOR GOD'S SAKES that like, SWIM AROUND or something! Then at least you could have an actual electric enemy that makes sense and also have it be an interesting enemy that you need to correctly dodge around, rather than just pray to god that you're not a single PIXEL off course between walls of electric plants!

And dare I mention the fucking Dopefish? That's right, I'm gonna call back to Commander Keen for this entry! The Dopefish was...well...pretty much a giant green swimming idiot that relentlessly chased you around underwater levels in the Commander Keen games. This fat bastard would swallow you up, ending your life in one fell swoop. What a stressful asshole.

Behold...the true face of evil

Torpedo Teds? Mermen? How about the Croctopi in Donkey Kong Country? Evirs in Super Metroid?? ANYTHING to do with underwater areas in the Sonic series? ALL ENEMIES IN ECCO THE DOLPHIN?!

The list goes on, and I could think of tons more, but you get the idea.

B is for Birds

If you happen to be anyone who somewhat knows me, then I'm pretty sure you know that I hate birds. A lot. I firmly maintain that the only thing they're good for is consumption (chicken, turkey, etc.), and shitting on my car. When it comes to video games...birds are even more irritating.

Ninja Gaiden, you cruel and horrible game. I may have conquered you, but if you didn't have birds that hunt you down mercilessly and knock you down cliffs more often and more frequently than a person can TAKE BREATHS, I could have had you beaten without yanking out all of my hair. And I do mean ALL of it, if you catch my drift.

Crows in Earthworm Jim are another good example...damn things are relentless and can grab you and wrench you around, draining your health from you. Also there's the fact that one of the main enemies, Psycrow, is just a giant crow in a space suit and constantly tries to shut you down in warp hole races that are stressful to begin with.

Castlevania series? Same damned thing as Ninja Gaiden. Tiny little bastards that are tough to hit and will knock poor Simon (or Chris, or Trevor, etc) off of their feet and into a bottomless pit are frequent and relentless.

The only good kind of bird is an extinct one

Robotic birds in Megaman that can spawn smaller ones that hunt you down? Lame. Guays in the Legend of Zelda series? Also lame. It's the fact that these damn creatures often have a completely free range of movement around the entire screen, and will very often blow you down a cliff to end your life that really makes them irritating. There's also the fact that they're damn hard to hit due to their small size and intense mobility, so killing them isn't always an option! Game developers know this, and therefore know exactly where to place birds in order to make the gamer's life a living hell.

Not to mention there are also birds that steal your shit in some games! What's that crap?!

Again, there are tons of examples of this, but I'm pretty sure that you likely know what I'm talking about. Fuckin' birds...unfortunately they're the type of enemy you love to hate. Their often unpredictable behaviour makes them one of those enemies that always has you on your toes, and so I guess it's somewhat good to have them around.

In pixelated form, anyway.

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