Monday, June 21, 2010

The Alphabet of Cronies: G-H

G is for Goombas

Rather than have a more general type of enemy class for this entry, I figured it would make sense to go for one of the most recognizable and popular video game cronies. A walking mushroom with a face and giant shoes...the Goomba from the Mario series.

Above: Not a goomba, no matter what the fuck anyone says otherwise.

You can't deny that when you think about enemies in video games, this is probably one of the first ones that come to mind. In the original Super Mario Bros. game, this was the very first enemy you encountered and promptly flattened like a disgusting mushroomy pancake for sweet, SWEET points. Goombas have been a staple of the series ever since, with very few games excepting them from their enemy lineup, such as Super Mario Bros. 2 (which we all know was just a slightly reskinned Doki Doki Panic anyway so it doesn't count.)

They're always the same...mushroom shaped enemies with big eyes and eyebrows and giant shoes that either wander back and forth until they hit something or fall off of a cliff in the 2D games, or patrol areas and chase mario down in 3D installations. Everyone loves them though...they're the enemy that you just love to beat around and stomp because flattening a mushroom is just damn satisfying.

Particularly one that's bent on killing you but is so, so terrible at it.

H is for Humans

Let's face it. We're assholes, and video games help to drive that point home by frequently having Homo sapiens as a menace in tons of video games. There are numerous examples I can think of, but obviously I'll only limit it to a few.

The Enclave in the Fallout series is a good example...government-minded soldiers patrolling the wasteland and hogging technology all to themselves. Clad in power armor and usually sporting Gauss and Plasma Rifles, these jerks are completely detestable both in terms of their stubborn, unwavering affinity toward Uncle Sam as well as the fact that they're damn hard to kill. They also have tons of vehicles and turrets at their disposal...a force to be reckoned with. At least you can usually find some sweet loot on them though, often resulting in you absolutely ravaging them with their own power armor.

Other examples I can think of are the oftentimes human adversaries of the Final Fantasy series. Pirates, soldiers, ninjas, strippers, weird cat women, giants, hunchbacked idiots, thieves...you name it and Final Fantasy probably has it in some way, shape or form. In fact, pretty much any RPG has human enemies that get in your way, often commanded by some higher-ranking human person...they're all fuckin' assholes though!

Metal Gear is another good option for human enemies. Sure, there are the standard grunts and soldiers that you encounter and subsequently stab to death or blow holes through, but we all know that the human bosses are the real stars of the show. Grey Fox, whom you fistfight in a minefield in MG2, and Psycho Mantis who "reads your mind" in Metal Gear Solid are very memorable. Actually pretty much every boss is memorable in these games so what the hell am I even talking about!

Now I'll read more deeply into your memory ca...SOUL! I totally said soul!

Humans as enemies are almost always portrayed as:

a) power-hungry factions that are searching for some way to either get rich or to own the world in the palm of their hand

b) nearly feral groups of thieves that will beat your ass down when they get a chance

c) deceptive pricks who want something but eventually stab you in the back

d) all of the above

Makes them a pretty good enemy to have around, don't you think?

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